Vacations Away From Your Children: A Completely Useless and Counterproductive Plan (and) Less Fun than a visit to your Doctor

"Honey, you need a vacation from the kids!"

 

How many mothers have heard this one? To me, it's almost as irritating as people expressing "You're young and you'll find someone else" when my husband died four years ago. I know, I know...that's hard to relate to- or laugh at -for some of you..... so let's think about this in a way anyone can understand....dieting.

The majority of us have tried diets, be it purely for health, or for the intention of losing weight, fitting into a new pair of pants...whatever your reason, you've likely given it a try. So, you fast on garlic and paprika shots, drink nothing but green juices for a week, and finally manage to achieve the euphoric feeling of fitting into your skinny jeans only to wear those little hot pants out on the town the next weekend, have a few sugar filled glasses of wine, a nice juicy steak, maybe a bite of dessert...and yes, you're going to finish of that oh-so-amazing-mac-and-cheese-was-never- this- good-when-I-was-a-kid-plate that your kid wasted.... and pretty soon...you're back into your 'fat-jeans'! 

THIS is how I feel about spending time and money vacationing away from my kids. Sure, it's great to be away for a few days, but the further away you are, the more you're going to worry about them. (Unless you're one of those moms who worries about them even when they are home with the nanny/sitter/friend/grandma while you're getting your nails done....In which case, you may not want to read ANY of my posts unless you're simply trying to re-assure yourself that you're a better mom than a lot of other women out there... In which case, you have come to the right place, my friend!)

Maybe you're lucky enough to have family nearby who still remember how to 'parent' toddlers or at least keep them alive while you are away. (That statement was redundant.) SO, you get out of the money factor which is makes this vacation idea a bit more appealing. As a city dweller, my nanny costs more than my dinner and drinks, so the cost of a vacation is comparatively exponential and unappealing. 

BUT, no matter your terms, the fact is, the morning after your return from your "restful" vacation, you're going to have your eyelids pulled open at 5 a.m. by your "good morning" child, then you're going to drag your "sleep-in" child out of bed and force-feed her whatever scraps are left in the house since you've been away "vacationing" and no one has filled the fridge. Then, when you go to put them in the car, you're going to realize that the sitter took the car seats home with her and the extras are still in the 'family helpers' cars. So, with one kid in Easter bunny ears, a rats nest of hair and no underwear under there....and the other in every pink article of clothing she could pile onto her little body, you strap them in the car as best you can (or maybe you don't if you're going to call child services on me) and dump them off at pre-school and burn rubber tying to get back on track in your next 3 "free hours"....during which you need to make-up for losing 3 days of work, clean the house, grocery shop, plan dinner and- oh yes- run back home and get their snacks and ballet clothes and take them to the school since you forgot this morning when your brain was still on vacation!?  I. THINK. NOT. 

Instead, save yourself the trouble and do not take a vacation. Instead, make a long overdue check-up at the doctor. Read all of the great magazines in that quiet air-conditioned waiting room (if you're feeling like an over achiever, maybe stop and buy your own fresh mags).  Maybe you even ask the secretary for the remote and switch the programming to something you'd never get to watch at home, like Regis & Kelly. (Yes, I know that Regis is gone, but it has been so long since I've been able to watch that sort of programming that I don't know who Kelly hangs with now.) 

The point is, as a mom, it's been proven to me that it's silly-- No, its flipping INSANE to think that I should get to do something that is purely about me...it's against the unspoken mom code of the Super-Moms, and let's face it, there's no difference between totally procrastinating from life duties and vacationing alone when you have young kids...no one is going to do what you do, like you do. You're just making more work for yourself. But WHO is going to hold it against you if you have a doctor's appointment, dentist appointment, mole to be looked at? NO ONE!! 

I was 45 minutes early for my last doctor's appointment and they ran over an hour late in seeing me...I thanked them. I booked a sitter and planned two days ahead for this sort of timing and let me tell you... it was the best treat I have had in months. They had wireless, I had my ipad. No one was touching my ipad except me. They had new copies of People StyleWatch, I read them with out having to tear out the ads of the cats doing the pee-pee dance because they can't find their new cat litter. There were clean bathrooms, which I used alone. Then, I drank ice water...and no one reached in and took out my ice cubes with with little nose-picking, butt-picking hands, and finally, I stopped at the grocery store and Sephora...because the sitter was there for the doctor's appointment and I felt justified not to rush. I returned home rested and ready to be back on my feet as a mom....which reminds me....I should make a podiatrist appointment.