Memorial Day is Every Day

Edited excerpt from My Special Force:

The last five months were filled with the usual ups and downs, highs and lows of a deployment. The wife gets fed up with the fact that she is left to take care of the children, the home, the finances—everything. In turn, she learns to appreciate the often unnoticed tasks that her husband took care of when he was home. Soldiers are enthusiastic to leave home and set forth on their missions abroad and eventually learn the most important adventure is raising their own family. They both long for the time when they will meet at the airport and all of the excitement that was there when they first met will be again. Those reunions are as happy for us as our wedding days. There is so much anticipation leading up to it, especially when kids are involved. Our reunion was side tracked. It was certainly not what we hoped for or envisioned.

It has been one long year since I received “the call.” I cannot account for my exact mental whereabouts in most of the days that have passed since that night. But I remember May 29, 2009, like it was yesterday.

It was 3 a.m. when my phone rang. It wasn’t completely out of the ordinary as Ryan had been in Iraq for five months now and sometimes forgot that we were in opposite ends of the time zone. I awaited to hear of his arrival in the states...

We had a 17-month-old and another baby soon to make her appearance and I needed a healthy partner at home. I somehow felt like he owed it to me as I spent the last five months of my miserable pregnancy taking care of our home and child-very much alone- in what I considered to be "the middle of nowhere".  Now it was time for him to help his own family instead of the Iraqis.

The phone only rang once and I knew it was him. I don’t think I gave him much of a chance to say anything. He soon interrupted my chatter- said that he had finally made it to Bagdad and that they did an MRI as he had been feeling horribly ill for months.

“Finally!!” I said relieved.

I remember hearing him inhale, there was a brief moment of silence, then with a cracked voice he said, “Heather...I have liver cancer,” followed by another very deep intake of breath and a shaky exhale. He was crying. It was the first time I heard fear in his voice—ever. 

{End excerpt.}

As many of you know, my career as a writer was almost accidental. Ryan and I loved writing and long distance and military relationships worked well for us because of that fact. However, I never expected that so many people would be interested in our personal journey and certainly never thought people would look to me for inspiration or advice...but as it turns out, I've been able to help many people in a way I could have never  imagined as a Physical Therapist. That said- I received a number of messages and calls today asking why I didn't post/blog/write a thing about Memorial Day this year, as I have in the past 3 years. I never feel pressure to write for anyone- and don't today, but after a nice day with the kids- that ended in an explanation of the day (suited for a 5-year-old)- I just felt like getting something "on paper". 

Memorial Day 2009 fell on May 25. At this point I had been through a lonely deployment, pregnant, working 50 hours a week and awaiting a new baby that was no where near as easy as my first (even in utero). Such is the life of a military wife, not a big deal. The fact that Ryan was actually complaining of being horribly ill in what actually was "the middle of nowhere" was a big deal. Needless to say, the weekend went by, I went to a ceremony in remembrance of our veterans and that was about it. Every year after, Memorial Day weekend has been a tough one to get through for all of us- because it started what would be the biggest most tragic turning point in our family's lives. No matter what day it falls on now- it just got really, really personal. 

That said, I will repeat myself, stating that no single day- Ryan's Birthday, May 29th...any of the "dates" engraved in writing are more difficult than the others. My children talk about their dad with us everyday. So, today when we told Elizabeth that Memorial Day was a day to remember soldiers that have fought for our freedom, this year is the first she immediately made the connection. It is a special day to talk about her dad. She wanted to send him a video- which really threw me off. 

Elizabeth is quite mature for her age and talks about death in a very "matter-of-fact" way on a daily basis- they both do- it's quite morbid to most parents shielding their kids from the fact that their parents can die. I wasn't sure about this one request. But Davis, my incredibly patient fiancé, who is much better with children than I, appeased her- he held up the phone and said "okay, tell us what Memorial Day means to you". And she started with talking to her dad....she said that she loved him and thanked him for what he did. 

For the life of me- I couldn't figure out why it upset me- so I had to write it out and I guess I have come to the conclusion that I thought she understood technology better and the boundaries of heaven and earth. Crazy of me. I mean, I try to convince her that Santa is real, but I think it's odd that she was talking to her dad- when I do that very thing in front of her often. She prays before dinner and talks to God- so why should't she think she can send a video to her dad? 

Many people say that you learn a lot about yourself from your children. Until today, I realized that the most important lessons I have learned in life-or at least readily absorbed- have come from Ryan, but after his death- which is why I started writing for my children- so they have this knowledge. But as of today, I realize that now our children are showing me that there is even more to learn. Summarizing a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "when you stop learning...you stop living".  Thank goodness for these kids.

These awesome children of mine are not only going to learn more about their dad every day but they are going to teach me and our family more about him as well. Sophie has his looks and devilish charm- which means every time I (or anyone that knew Ryan) want to discipline her- we have to learn to look past the charm and cunning ways- and do what is right for her future in society. Just like Ryan's parents had to do for many, many years. There are many examples I know I could insert... The point is, Elizabeth and Sophie will surely teach us to believe in what we cannot see so that we can continue to have a spiritual connection with Ryan- through his children and on our own. I continue to have a lot of "religious issues" but for some reason, these girls make me believe that there is more to life than we can see or touch. Even my incredible (and still surreal to me) talk with Theresa Caputo, couldn't tell me what these girls can show me. If they believe, I believe. 

So, on Memorial Day, as new readers continue to ask "is this a difficult time of year for you?"... I'm going to change my tune from the "no more than any other day", and say simply "no". We have a greater understanding than some of what the day means and that makes it more special to us. It isn't just a long weekend of wearing red, white & blue and cooking on a grill. We will set aside a time to talk, send a note- or make videos, as Elizabeth loves to do- to those who have served and hope that they can 'hear us'- so many are still with us on Earth, so it won't be a hard task. AND, more so, we are going to reach out to those who have lost a loved one in the war, those who are still serving and their families, as I encourage you to do as well. 

On that note, I usually end a post in something funny- even morbidly funny- but not this one. There are still many wives of Green Berets, who are losing husbands and fathers. Not in the local news, there were  at least 4 lost and three times that many wounded just a week ago.  I learned this as a close friend of Ryan's is heading to that very same zone, without a bit of hesitation. Our freedom isn't free and despite who we vote for, or our beliefs on "'war", there are ALWAYS  going to be those that wish to do our country harm and we are protected by an incredible force of those that actually do believe that it is their duty, their purpose in life, no matter how much they love their families, to protect us from this harm. It is something ingrained in the person that I selfishly still cannot comprehend. 

We are blessed to be Americans no matter what kind of health care or financial situation we may face. If you choose, you can donate the equal amount of $20 in Memorial Day beers & burgers to one of the most highly rated charities in the country, the Special Operations Warrior Foundation and help the families of those who have paid and continue to pay the ultimate price of freedom. Immediate assistance to the wounded warriors and scholarships to children of the fallen warrior are just two of the incredible services their team provide. Enjoy Memorial Day and remember that it will fall on a different day each year, but it will be never be less important to thank a Veteran or Soldier in your own special way. 

Photo of stone taken by Ryan- Fayetteville, NC-on his Green Beret Graduation day, 

of a knowledge ingrained in him from birth

Vacations Away From Your Children: A Completely Useless and Counterproductive Plan (and) Less Fun than a visit to your Doctor

"Honey, you need a vacation from the kids!"

 

How many mothers have heard this one? To me, it's almost as irritating as people expressing "You're young and you'll find someone else" when my husband died four years ago. I know, I know...that's hard to relate to- or laugh at -for some of you..... so let's think about this in a way anyone can understand....dieting.

The majority of us have tried diets, be it purely for health, or for the intention of losing weight, fitting into a new pair of pants...whatever your reason, you've likely given it a try. So, you fast on garlic and paprika shots, drink nothing but green juices for a week, and finally manage to achieve the euphoric feeling of fitting into your skinny jeans only to wear those little hot pants out on the town the next weekend, have a few sugar filled glasses of wine, a nice juicy steak, maybe a bite of dessert...and yes, you're going to finish of that oh-so-amazing-mac-and-cheese-was-never- this- good-when-I-was-a-kid-plate that your kid wasted.... and pretty soon...you're back into your 'fat-jeans'! 

THIS is how I feel about spending time and money vacationing away from my kids. Sure, it's great to be away for a few days, but the further away you are, the more you're going to worry about them. (Unless you're one of those moms who worries about them even when they are home with the nanny/sitter/friend/grandma while you're getting your nails done....In which case, you may not want to read ANY of my posts unless you're simply trying to re-assure yourself that you're a better mom than a lot of other women out there... In which case, you have come to the right place, my friend!)

Maybe you're lucky enough to have family nearby who still remember how to 'parent' toddlers or at least keep them alive while you are away. (That statement was redundant.) SO, you get out of the money factor which is makes this vacation idea a bit more appealing. As a city dweller, my nanny costs more than my dinner and drinks, so the cost of a vacation is comparatively exponential and unappealing. 

BUT, no matter your terms, the fact is, the morning after your return from your "restful" vacation, you're going to have your eyelids pulled open at 5 a.m. by your "good morning" child, then you're going to drag your "sleep-in" child out of bed and force-feed her whatever scraps are left in the house since you've been away "vacationing" and no one has filled the fridge. Then, when you go to put them in the car, you're going to realize that the sitter took the car seats home with her and the extras are still in the 'family helpers' cars. So, with one kid in Easter bunny ears, a rats nest of hair and no underwear under there....and the other in every pink article of clothing she could pile onto her little body, you strap them in the car as best you can (or maybe you don't if you're going to call child services on me) and dump them off at pre-school and burn rubber tying to get back on track in your next 3 "free hours"....during which you need to make-up for losing 3 days of work, clean the house, grocery shop, plan dinner and- oh yes- run back home and get their snacks and ballet clothes and take them to the school since you forgot this morning when your brain was still on vacation!?  I. THINK. NOT. 

Instead, save yourself the trouble and do not take a vacation. Instead, make a long overdue check-up at the doctor. Read all of the great magazines in that quiet air-conditioned waiting room (if you're feeling like an over achiever, maybe stop and buy your own fresh mags).  Maybe you even ask the secretary for the remote and switch the programming to something you'd never get to watch at home, like Regis & Kelly. (Yes, I know that Regis is gone, but it has been so long since I've been able to watch that sort of programming that I don't know who Kelly hangs with now.) 

The point is, as a mom, it's been proven to me that it's silly-- No, its flipping INSANE to think that I should get to do something that is purely about me...it's against the unspoken mom code of the Super-Moms, and let's face it, there's no difference between totally procrastinating from life duties and vacationing alone when you have young kids...no one is going to do what you do, like you do. You're just making more work for yourself. But WHO is going to hold it against you if you have a doctor's appointment, dentist appointment, mole to be looked at? NO ONE!! 

I was 45 minutes early for my last doctor's appointment and they ran over an hour late in seeing me...I thanked them. I booked a sitter and planned two days ahead for this sort of timing and let me tell you... it was the best treat I have had in months. They had wireless, I had my ipad. No one was touching my ipad except me. They had new copies of People StyleWatch, I read them with out having to tear out the ads of the cats doing the pee-pee dance because they can't find their new cat litter. There were clean bathrooms, which I used alone. Then, I drank ice water...and no one reached in and took out my ice cubes with with little nose-picking, butt-picking hands, and finally, I stopped at the grocery store and Sephora...because the sitter was there for the doctor's appointment and I felt justified not to rush. I returned home rested and ready to be back on my feet as a mom....which reminds me....I should make a podiatrist appointment.